Ned Colletti is the general manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers, the suddenly gluttonous, indiscriminate player-acquisition machine that is taking over Major League Baseball. Skip Schumaker just became Colletti’s newest play thing.

This is bad news for somebody, most likely Juan Uribe (who just isn’t good enough at anything to be part of an MLB roster anymore) or Luis Cruz (because come on, Luis Cruz isn’t guaranteed a contract for 2013. All the real Dodgers are guaranteed Magic Johnson’s money for 2013.). It’s good news, though, for people who have spent the last half-decade seeking baseball’s next great market inefficiency. Colletti has identified it. Sometime in early April, we’re going to see the debut of the World’s Most Giant Second Baseman.

(Note: This is a Scrubs gag. Yes, I used to be really into Scrubs. Screw you if you judge me for that.)

Dee Gordon might yet be trade bait, but I sort of doubt it. He’s probably this team’s starting shortstop. Hanley Ramirez will anchor third base. That leaves Schumaker, Mark Ellis, Jerry Hairston, Jr., Nick Punto and maybe one of Cruz and Uribe with no clear path to playing time (just one spot open in the lineup) and no valid claim to full-time work (none of these guys are very good). Clearly, with their overwhelming wealth, the Dodgers are about to construct a 30-foot-tall uniform (maybe more of a megazord, if I may mix my juvenile metaphors, because a standard-issue uniform would struggle to provide needed stability) in which five players can fit at once, giving them the ability to defend the entire position at second with nothing more than a dive.

No word as yet on how the team will handle it every fifth day, when Hyun-Jin Ryu, Ted Lilly, Aaron Harang and Chris Capuano will need the huge suit to play World’s Most Giant Fifth Starting Pitcher. Also of concern: the strike zone for WMG2B will be enormous. That should not, however, affect Uribe’s projected walk rate.

The Dodgers might look to trade from that starting pitching depth, padding an already strong bullpen, or addressing third better and giving up Gordon, but it’s not like there are many good avenues to do that available. If MLB cracks down and enforces its stick-in-the-mud one-player-per-uniform rule, I think my vote would be for Schumaker at second base, narrowly edging Hairston. But WMG2B is the best bet.

Dee Gordon is really fast, by the way. It’s basically all he’s good at. His dad was an unathletic closer, but we nicknamed him ‘Flash.’ Just why in Hell has Dee not gotten the same sobriquet already?